Happy father’s day, Abba Father

Dear God,
You know, of all the attributes you carry, of all the names you are called or could be called, the one I love the most is “Father”. “ABBA”. “Dad”. I just love it.
When I call you Dad, or Father, I automatically become the child, and I love the feeling.
You know, there are points in my life that it can be almost impossible for me to acknowledge you as my father. Yes.
There are once upon a time in my life when I want something so badly.
Dad, I want it, I need it. I ask, seek and push. I will pray and beg. But you remain silent. And sometimes you come with an outright No.

There are points that I was so sure it had arrived, ready to go and boom, it disappears again.
Then I will cry, stay very worried, and like always, my mind battles will commence, wedging strong.
And then all manners of thoughts will besiege me, and I struggle to see your love in the denial, in the silence.
And as the internal battles escalate, my mind will try hard to convince me that you don’t love me enough, that I am not good enough, that I haven’t prayed enough……everything presented to my head will say….” not enough, It’s a No”.

And the next thing, that evil voice with its autosuggestions will pressure me to seek for alternative. It will keep pushing me to make other choices, to stop waiting, to stop asking, to take the shortcut…..
And stupidly, unbelievably, like a zombie, controlled by fear, I may listen, may have listened and am likely to listen to those suggestions.
Why not Lord? When I am riddled with doubts and fear.
But there is always this little voice, this sane tiny voice that will whisper things to me.
The problem is that the volume of that voice is very low and sometimes it’s hardly audible amidst the loud battles in my head.
And once upon a time, it said something to me that was very profound. As I battled with the pain and fear of your possible rejection or delay of my ask…
It whispered …..” You loved your biological father, right?”
“Yes”, I whispered back
“Why?” it asked me softly. …
I thought about It. Why did I love my father so much when he was alive? What was it about him that made that difference?
And it struck me….My father, my biological dad, never, ever failed on a promise. Once he tells you he will do something, you can go to the bank with it. He will do it, even if it seems impossible. He would find a way to swing it for you…
In my primary school days, I loved to see my father on the prize-giving day….the day of the final results. It was usually a celebration day because the 1st three brightest and most intelligent pupils in all the classes would be recognized and rewarded.
My father was an avid traveller and was not always at home, but he would make out time to be home on that day.
On one occasion he couldn’t make it home a day before that eventful day as usual. I went to school that day so sad because I was sure he wouldn’t make it. Imagine my joy when they called my name for 1st position and my father walked out to present my award.
I stood so tall and so proud not because of the award but because he made it. He was there…..

So, I smiled at the voice and said….”my dad always kept his word. He loved us enough to always deliver on every promise he made to us”.
And the small voice replied …..
“If your Father then, being human and prune to evil, knows how to give good gifts to his children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!”
I paused. Wow!
Yes, my earthly father was a good man, but could never compare to you, my heavenly Father. If I could trust my biological father this much, on what basis am I doubting you, my heavenly Father? For what? Why?
That knowledge was profound for me. It was the game changer.
I knew from a solid depth, that No is not an answer from you.
Delays are not denials. And that you do make all things beautiful in your time.
That is the spirit that lives with me. A spirit that dares “No” and it is a very stubborn spirit but I kind of love it.
Me? Cut corners? Panic for delays…Doubt you? How? For what?

I will never doubt the fact that if it is your will for me, it will be done for me.
I won’t panic because things don’t work out…I would rather ask…so what’s next?
“Que sera sera…. whatever will be will be…
That it is not happening now should never make you doubt the giver and the gift.
The time and the season will arrive, just be patient and be ready.
As for me and my house, we will be singing and praising and cheering you on until the gift is delivered.
And every time, we feel the panic of delays, we feel the reassurance of your steadfast love. It will come, it’s on its way. It never fails.
For we have a father that would never go back on his words. A father whose thoughts for us are always for good. A father who makes all things beautiful in his time.
So, to all you biological Fathers out there, who try so hard to fulfil dreams and deliver on your promises to the ones you love, we do not doubt you in any way.
We are cheering you on. You are good fathers, keep it going.
And to you my dad, my heavenly Father and my Lord, Happy Father’s Day in arrears.
(It’s okay, roll your eyes, at least I remembered. Better late than never…right?)
Happy Father’s Day, Dad, I love you, Lord, you are my father and the very best ever.
And I am Your daughter, and I am checking in.