Dear God,
I learnt a lot from my Grandmother.
Growing up, apart from encouraging us to stay focused in school, I believe that my grandmother and mother spent 80% of their time preparing us girls to marry and be good wives and mothers.
Thinking about it now I wonder why it was so important, so critical that we were schooled to be good homemakers.
Why, Lord?
Thinking back too I wonder why my brothers and male cousins had different dynamics in their upbringing. They didn’t have it as hot as we girls had it.
Yes, let me remind you of the details, Lord…
So my grandmother would say things like, “Get out of that bed right now, is that how you will run your home? Your mates in Abakiliki are already married with 2 children by now, and you are still rolling out of bed.
“Dad, it was 6 am, and I was barely 10 years old meanwhile, my male cousins were still snoring. How can my mates in Abakiliki be married by then with 2 children? When did they start?”
Every Saturday was spring cleaning at home. We will clean and dust and unpack and repack everything in the house. We will open up box after box, put out clothes in the sun to be aired, fold and repack them again only to bring them out another Saturday.
Just us girls…..
Meanwhile, the boys either played or were sent on some mundane errands that were suitable for “boys.”
Yes, they involved “the boys” sometimes, but common, we know what we know…..
Now, there was this particular day that my cousin and I fought at home. If there is one thing I hate in life, it’s injustice. Let fair be fair and I will back down but if I smell any form of oppression or injustice, then all the red flags in my head will rise.
“Dad, don’t look at me like that, I know vengeance is yours, but I am Your child, so I will start it and you can finish it…abi?”
Anyways, so for that event, our uncle was coming for the weekend and Grandma asked us to clean up his house. The task was shared and I did mine, but my cousin left his half-done and walked away. He ran out to play with his friends. I knew Grandma would be upset if we didn’t finish the work so I dragged him out to do his job and in the argument, we fought.
And every adult in the house, every one of them, after reprimanding us for fighting, asked me to go and complete the cleaning. “One of my aunties said, “Why are you waiting for a boy to clean? You are a girl, go and clean up that house”
Another said, “You hope for your husband to help you with housework abi? It is your job to keep the home front”. Another said, “Is this how you will run your home? Fighting with your husband for housework? ”
I couldn’t believe it. How does this relate to my marriage, biko?
My cousin just dumped his responsibility on me and everyone thinks it’s okay? Because I am a girl? Even my aunties? So if my husband dumps his responsibility on me…. that’s okay, right?
He is the Man, why not? What are they saying? Even as young as I was, something about it didn’t sit well with me. And unfortunately, the stubborn girl in me had kicked in, so I went ahead and cleaned the house but I didn’t clean that part that my cousin left undone. I wasn’t convinced I had to do it. I needed to understand why he should be let out of that responsibility.
When my grandmother came to inspect the work, she got to that space and paused for a long time but didn’t say anything. I thought she would let loose on me, (I was ready anyway), but she didn’t. She just walked away. Her action surprised me, and I felt a little tinge of guilt. So I went to her room and just stood there. She stared at me for a long time and then asked…
“Why didn’t you clean that part of the house?”
“You asked him to clean that part, Mama, why would he dump it on me and it’s okay?”
She was silent for a while and then she said, “One day, you will realise that doing the right thing is more important than being right”
I stared at her, trying to process the statement. Was I right or not?
“You are right, she continued, it’s his job, but would you rather your uncle meet a dirty room for being right, or would you rather that you are the one who is mature enough to do the right thing……think about it”
I thought about it.
“But what does his job have to do with my marriage, why is everyone referring to it…., I asked her still feeling oppressed.
“A wise woman builds her home, she answered gently. In marriage, a lot will be dumped on you, it’s your choice to fight the dumps or brace yourself and create the right balance…..”
“How? Why?”, I asked baffled
“How…, you will have to make a lot of sacrifices and why? To raise the next generation of good people….who will make the right sacrifices to keep the balance in life…” she sighed.
“But he gets to walk away from it all, if I make that sacrifice, he then won’t know how to make it…..and he too will get married…, is that how he will run his home? How does that work?” I insisted
Grandma laughed.
“You are very headstrong like your mother and very intelligent”, she sighed again.
“Know this and know peace,” she continued pointing a finger at me, “You are a woman and as a woman, it’s on you to hold the balance in your home. Once you tip, the whole life in the home topples. Holding the balance can be painful and full of sacrifices, however, because inside you lives the next generation of life…you can either insist on holding the balance for them or topple it……think about it”
I stared at her more baffled than before. I felt the weight of her words on me. I felt the responsibility mandate on my shoulder. Was it mine to carry? Should I?
“So I should clean that part for him?, I asked. (Mind you Lord, it’s only with my grandma that you can get away with this question. My mum will throw something at you for even daring to ask)
“Would you hold the balance or topple it?” she replied.
I stood there for a while, thanked her and left. I walked into that dirty room, cleaned it up and checked that all was good. Doing it didn’t feel like oppression anymore. I felt like the bigger person, the balance keeper and the responsibility holder. Grandmother had steered me into making a choice and I did. I chose to take the responsibility and keep the balance.
So till today, I still chose to do the right thing rather than being right. I let it slide if fighting it will topple the balance.
Isn’t that what you always do for us, Lord? Isn’t that why you made that sacrifice? Isn’t that why you let your son die? You took the responsibility upon yourself to keep the balance.
So a shout out to all the good women out there, thank you for holding the responsibility handle, for making the sacrifices in keeping the balance. But our generation would take it a nudge higher, we should teach the boy-child to make sacrifices and hold the balance too, so the girl-child can breathe.
This is Your daughter, Lord, I am not done with all the lessons, but I am checking in.
1 Comment
Thanks for this amazing write up as usual.
I have struggled with logic and instincts as well, so far my instincts has been right but as a leader it has not favoured me and not even my kids sef 😄. Hence, my conclusion is, if the decision is about me then I’ll stick to my instincts, but if it is about others then I’ll find the logic behind my instinct and if I can’t, then I’ll rely on logic.
Salvation is about me, so my instinct works just fine here 😊