Dear God,
If I remember correctly, the good book says that….”old things are passed away and everything is become new, right? Then why should I apologize to anyone about my past? Okay, I will tell you…
Sonia called me. She was going through some emotional stuff. So, I went to see her, and she poured out the story. She had called me two years back that she met this “tall and handsome”, and they were heading to cloud 9. Great, I was happy for her. And she asked me then if she should tell him about her past. Dad, my advice then was, play it cool, until you know that this is for real, “don’t spread your heart on a public line”.
I told her that the best of her is “now” not then, and the man must see the now, love the now and accept the now, before he dives into history, because you are not your past. Your today and your tomorrow is much greater than your yesterday. Yes Lord, (Why are you looking at me like that?) Why should the 1st thing I tell a guy on a dinner table be my past when my present and future is staring at me right there? (I am a good friend, right? I love the way you make that face). Okay, dad, she took the advice, and their love ministry started moving to the permanent site (they started talking marriage).
She told him and all hell broke loose.
She wept that day in my arms, and I was so sad. What a scam? Dad, please hear my side of this story because human beings are so hypocritical and phony. I will tell you her past but let me show you her present and future 1st and you tell me which one a normal thinking human would choose. So, Sonia is in her late forties now, a good person with solid principles. I wanted to state that Lord, before I spice it with Christianity because these days, I stay away from where you worship to who you worship. I look for the texture of the heart other than the strength of the faith. (Yes, I am sure you understand, ojoro is too much now)
She runs her own business and owns enough assets in her space. She is a financially independent good person. (I needed to emphasize that). She lives alone apart from some siblings who she had seen through school, and they come on and off to stay. She travels often and has investments in strategic areas and still building more investments in real estate. And yes, she is your everyday glamour girl with a lot of steeze but with good morals and manners. And yes, she had a past. Don’t we all?
If you are without sin, please help me cast the 1st stone…… We all have a past. We all have done stupid. Some stupid follow us to our future, some stupid stand as a present reminder and some stupid kick up memories with regrets. But they are all stupid. And we did them when we knew no better. Some when we were young and stupid. If you don’t have a past, good for you but I can assure you that if you wore the shoes they wore, you would have done the stupid they did.
(Yes, I am emphasizing “stupid”, so you see how ridiculous it is to be judged by “stupid”)
So, she told him and the self-righteous “son of a something” started pulling out. Sonia wept bitterly because her heart was already in the game. And she regretted not telling him earlier so she could pull her heart out easy, if he showed any sign of resentment. This was a tough one for me to swallow. I felt so sorry for her, and I carried the guilt that I was the one that made her hold back. Lord, was that a mistake I made? Now, why should anyone’s past be more important than their present and future? Why?
Sonia told me that she wanted to go and beg him and apologize and make him understand and I said “No”. Dad, hear me out…. I didn’t know Sonia in those days when those things happened but the Sonia I know today, I will choose over the Sonia of yesterday. She doesn’t need to apologize for her past. It’s done, that tall and handsome was not there. He wasn’t part of that narrative. He is part of the new narrative and he either accepts it or walk. So yes, I did it again…. I stopped her.
There were times in my life that I would often catch myself apologizing for my past actions, even when they had no bearing on the present situation, until I realized that our pasts are not things to apologize for. They are part of our journey, shaping us into who we are today. If we knew any better, we would not have done whatever it was we did, but we didn’t, and it was done and it is over, and we have moved on. Period. Our past mistakes are lessons, not life sentences. They’re stepping stones on our path to growth and self-improvement. Every mistake we made, brought us to this strong rugged person who is still alive and well….so what’s the regret for? It is what it is!
I looked her in the eyes….and I said… “Don’t ever apologize to anyone about your past. Your past is a rich pointer to the experiences that has shaped you into the person you are today. All you owe him is the information and you have given it. You told him the truth, it’s your story, it’s your life. He will not live with your past, he will live with your today and tomorrow, so he will need to choose. You or your past. Let it slide. If he is ready, he knows where to find you”.
I am brave, right? Yeah, but I am not the one going through that heartbreak. And it is painful to see her go through it.
Dad, I don’t want Sonia going into that marriage apologetic. I don’t want her feeling less than herself because of her past. And I tell anyone who would care to listen……if you’re in the habit of apologizing for your past, STOP. Your past is a part of you, something to learn from, not something to say sorry for. Refine your present and future from the lessons of the past but don’t apologize for it. And refuse to be judged by it. Hmmm. Dad, I will tell you Sonia’s story but for now, keep that self-righteous son-of-a-something away from Sonia if he is not a value player.
This is Your daughter, I am checking in.
1 Comment
I felt like Sonia here. The advice you gave was real and I’m going to learn from it. You asked God, your dad, if you were brave and I’d love to answer. You’re very brave and a good friend too. So, I’m going to take this advice with me and hold it everywhere I go.